Harry Potter the Musical
by Chantelli
Summary: A big bad's made the whole of the Order and magical creatures sing their deepest secrets- like secret slash weddings and extreme loathing for skrewts! Terribly silly... based on BtVS Once More with Feeling. HPSS RWHG SBRL
1. Overture

Overture 

The overture music is a medley of the musical themes from the rest of the episode. As it plays, we see the following action: 

Begins with Ron walking across the dorm, then he turns and goes back the way he came. Grabs a maroon jumper from a chair and exits into the bathroom frowning at the jumper's colour. Meanwhile in the girl's dorms we see Hermione, S.P.E.W badge worn proudly next to her Prefect badge, she makes her bed, saving the work of the 'horribly mistreated and enslaved house elves of Hogwarts some work. 

Outside Moaning Myrtle's toilets Ginny knocks on the door while jumping from foot to foot as if she has to go bad… and the stream of water pouring from the under the door rapidly due to another one of Myrtle's fits isn't helping. After a few choice swear words, Myrtle floats out the bathroom door and through Ginny wailing. Ginny rushes into the bathroom. 

Back in the boy's dorms again reveals Harry still lying in bed, awake. 

Cut to the Weasley twin's brand new spanking joke shop, thanks to a generous contributor. The store is not only multicoloured but also a joke in itself, trapdoors, falling spiders, a tray of goodies to sample (including Ton Tongue Toffee's), joke books and fake wands. The majority of the Order sits around a wonky shaped table riddled with books, sitting on equally odd multicoloured chairs. Overture music continues. Remus and Siri- er- Snuffles are looking at a bridal magazine, safely hidden from the rest of the Order in a big fat honking text called: '_An GAY Idiots Guide to Hiding Your Relationship with a Childhood Friend a Secret from Godsons, Students and Dumbledore'_ and smiling and talking. A customer comes over and Fred and George offer them a canary cream, and then escort the giant bird toward the cash register. 

Pan across to Harry standing by the bookshelves looking at a book entitled: '_Everything You Need to Know About Killing Dark Lords Made Easy and Helpful Prophecy Hints!' _ J.K. Rowling comes over and takes the book away then takes out a wand and burns it. Harry looks annoyed. J.K. gestures and Harry walks off, she mutters something like that sounds a lot like, 'like I'd make it THAT easy!' then she disappears with a poof of smoke. 

Pan to the round table where we see Hermione and Ron looking at a book together while she takes notes and Ron prods and the giant canary customer with his wand. Pan further and we see Harry now sitting next to Ron, knocking back butterbeers. 

Snape comes over and holds a large axe in Harry's line of sight, and Harry screams. Snape sighs, puts axe down and picks up book that states: _'__Occlumency: a nasty (yet steamy) teacher's guide to torturing students'_ he gestures with his head toward the dungeons and walks away. Harry puts down his 5th butterbeer and staggers , gets up and follows Snape toward the dungeon, swatting off the rapid giant canary attacking Ron as he goes. 


	2. Got a Hero's complex

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the HP characters, I just like using them for my own sick amusement. I also don't own anything in the way of the rights to Once More With Feeling, which belongs to our Lord and Saviour. Joss Whedon! Now! On with the SHOW!

The scene begins with Harry wandering around Hogwarts looking for trouble as per usual. until. he starts to BURST OUT SINGING!

Harry: (singing) Every single night, the same arrangement I go out awandering,  
with my dad's old cloak that Dumbledore sent Doing what I please, rules notwithstanding.  
I've been told bout a prophecy and now Just hoping no one knows 'bout my new hero complex Boy-who-lived is my part.  
All these deaths keep tugging at my.heart.  
I was always brave, I have a complex.  
Now I find I'm wavering.  
parents in the grave,  
you'll find this fight is just Too damn annoying.

Preves: So he likes to swing!

Harry: (winks) Thanks for noticing.

Random Deatheaters: He does pretty well with us fiends from hell But lately we can tell,  
That he's got a hero's complex

Dementor: Got a hero's complex.

Blast-Ended Skrewt #1: Or faking it somehow. (It randomly attacks Colin Creevy)

Dementor: he's not even half the guy he- (Harry curses him) ow.

Harry: Will I stay this way forever?  
(Harry kicks a deatheatter in the face)

On the frontpage all my life's endeavour? (As he sings this Hedwig delivers the Daily Prophet to his feet with states: 'BOY WHO LIVED KICKS DEATHEATER IN FACE!'. Meanwhile Harry frees Colin from Blast-Ended Skrewt he's just cursed)

Colin Creevy: Can I get a picture?

Harry: NEVER!.

I don't want to HAVE.  
A hero's complex All I know will die.  
They can't even see Who is the really me And I just want to be-

(Is attacked on both end by dementors, Harry shoots his Patronus at them, it runs them over and Harry as well leaving him as a crazy sticky invisible blob on the floor)  
Patronus: Aliiiiiive. 


	3. I've got a Theory it could be Dobby

Disclaimer: I am not Joss Whedon, I am not Rowling... my alter egos are though... alas! I cannot claim any ownership of these characters, instead I'll rape the story lines of both an make a story that will ensnare the readers and bewitch the senses... http:www. morleysoft. html Go to if you want the background music to the lyrics... Have a sing-along on me!

Cut to Weasley Wheezing Wheezes shop in Hogsmead: Dumbledore: Good morning, Harry! We see Hermione and Ron standing by the counter, picking up fake wands and trying to hex a costumer whom at the moment was a giant canary. Ron: Hiya Harry! Harry: (distracted) What? Oh, uh, hi.  
Harry walks farther into the store. We see Snuffles sitting at the multicolor table holding food in each hand, his tongue rapidly growing over a foot long and turning purple.  
Sirus: Respect the pumpkin pastry. And tame the tongue ton toffee!  
(or at least that's what one would have heard if he didn't sound like:  
Wespct da pumpin pastie, an pam da pong pon potty) Remus passes by en route to the counter, pulls the offending candy from his grasp and shrinks his tongue to normal size and color. Remus: That's still funny, sweetie. . . SIRI! Not sweetie! Uh... I'm straight! Remus goes behind the counter, sulking and picks up a book entitled Beat the Habit: A Wearwolf's guide to Stop Humping the Legs of Chairs, Friends and Dark Overlords. Dumbledore looks in the box of candies, takes one out, takes a bite, and begins to hover a few feet off the ground. Harry: So, uh, no meetings? Nothing going on? Voldie or whatnot? Sirius shake their heads "no," continue eating pastry, stopping a moment to pat Remus on the head and shake him off his leg muttering something like "not now honey". Harry: Good! Good. (awkwardly) Uh, so, did anybody ... uh ... last night, you know, did anybody, um ... burst into song? Remus stops, gets off his knees and brushes himself off . Everyone stares at Harry for a moment. Sirius: Merciful Merlin! Hermione, Ron, and Remus rush over. Everyone talks at once. Hermione: We thought it was just us!  
Dumbledore: Well, I sang but I thought that was because the Sorting Hat had slipped something into my tea again and wanted to get me to join him in some topless karaoke.  
Remus: It was bizarre. We were talking and then it was like-  
Harry: Like you were in a musical! But who would ever find entertainment in that!  
Cast stops for a moment and stares at the writer . . . Woo! Watch me break that 4th wall!  
Remus: Yeah!  
Dumbledore: That would explain the huge backing orchestra I couldn't see and the synchronized dancing from the house elves... again, nothing out of the ordinary for me.  
Hermione: We did a whole duet about house points.  
Sirius: And we were arguing and, and then everything rhymed and there were harmonies and the dances with wolves.  
Hermione: There was an entire verse about the Draco.  
Ron: It was very disturbing. The above is everyone talking at once. Dumbledore: (to Harry) What did you sing about?  
Harry: (pauses) I don't remember. But i-it seemed perfectly normal. . . If you're a wizard Remus: But disturbing. And not the natural order of things, and do you think it'll happen again? Dumbledore: I don't know. I should look into it.  
Hermione: With the books.  
Ron: Do we have any books on this?  
Sirius: Well, we just gotta break it down. Look at the factors before it happens again. Because I for one- Dumbledore begins to sing, interrupting Snuffles.

Dumbledore:  
I've got a theory That it's a Weasley A crazy Weasley!  
No, something isn't right there.  
Hermione:  
I've got a theory Voldie was readin'  
And stuck us all inside his wacky Broadway nightmare. Ron:  
I've got a theory someone should work this out.  
Remus/Hermione/Ron/Snuffles:  
It's getting eerie, what's this cheery singing all about?  
Ron: jumps up  
It could be witches!  
Some evil witches!  
sees all the females in the room

Which is ridiculous, 'cause witches they were persecuted,  
And could be Voldie and maybe Snape and woman power and I'll be over here. sits

Harry: I've got a theory! It could be Dobby! Silence. The others just stare at her. Sound of crickets chirping.  
Sirus: I've got a- Suddenly the tune changes to a frantic hard-rock beat with electric guitar and a roving spotlight that waves crazily over Harry. Harry: (shrieking a la Alanis Morissette)  
Dobby isn't just cute like everybody supposes!  
He's got them magic powers and is crazy I know this!  
And what's with all the house elves?  
What do they need so much food for anyway?  
playing air guitar  
Dobby!  
Dobby!  
It must be DOBBY! Fireworks go off all around him, then the smoke clears away. The others continue simply staring. Harry: (back to original melody)  
Or maybe Draco.  
Hermione: (quickly sits down beside Dumbledore, who is still floating and opens a book)  
I've got a theory we should work this fast.  
Hermione/Dumbledore: Because it clearly could get serious before it's passed. Dumbledore begins to float up to the loft. Harry: I've got a theory. It doesn't matter. Dumbledore pauses, turns back. Everyone looks at Harry. Harry:  
What can't we face if I am there?  
What's in this place that we can't bear?  
Voldermort?  
I've been there.  
The same old tricks We haven't got a prayer?

All except Dumbledore:  
What can't he do if we force him?  
He'll be killed within a minute. All:  
We have to try He'll pay the price It's do or die Harry:  
That's too concise. All: What can't we face if we send him in there?  
Harry: (descant) What can't I face.  
All: What's in this place that we can't bear?  
Harry: ...I just can't bear.  
All: There's nothing he can't face.  
Harry: (sits) Except for Dobby. 


End file.
